I used to be fat...

"But this summer is about more than just losing weight for these teens -- it's also about figuring out who they are and who they want to be."

That's a little excerpt from the show "I Used To Be Fat" on MTV. I share this with you because this is so where I am at right now in my whole life transition. 

One, I am trying to understand that I am not fat anymore.

I am trying to stop seeing myself as the fat girl. It is not easy to get out of this state of mind. When I go shopping I have to tell myself to put the large or Xlarge down and pick up the medium or small. I have to see myself differently and that is hard. I grew up training myself how to hide. Hide behind cardigans, hide behind friends, hide behind intelligence. Camouflage. Blend. Hide. 

Two, I don't want to lose myself. 

You know I never got made fun of in school for being overweight. I mean in the second grade a girl called me fat (and I wasn't even at that time) but, that's it. Part of that is because I wasn't huge and I knew how to hold myself and disguise my size. I knew how to shrink back. And... I was nice to people. So, really what happens when you are bigger is you just get ignored. You just don't get asked to go out or do certain things. You get looked over and passed by and you know it's happening. That's what hurt. It happened by strangers, people I knew, and people I thought were friends... just forgotten. When you lose weight you begin to be seen. You start to notice people noticing you. And it is SO weird! To be noticed can be fun but there are times I just want to say, "Hey, I'm smart too!" I'm funny and can hold a real grown up conversation. I have dreams and ambitions and they have to do with more than just looking cute. I'm getting in shape not so I can look cute in a dress (although this is nice) but rather so I can live a full and healthy life and not just watch on the sidelines. There has to be a balance of it all and I am figuring out what exactly that is so I don't lose myself.

A dear friend of mine who is going through this same transition of changing her life and getting healthy sent me a text message about a month ago that I keep going back and reading over and over: "...I want you to know that you are loved and beautiful no matter what. ... I pray we both remember where our self worth comes from. Him alone." 

I am beautiful. I have been beautiful. And it has nothing to do with a number. I was made in the image of Christ! He lives inside of me! What could be more beautiful?!

This is what I don't want to ever forget or lose.

Three, When do you tell someone?

For those of you who have known me it is very exciting to share this journey with you. I have been floored by the amount of support and encouragement I have received... FLOORED! I told my sister that I feel like I have a whole team of people cheering me on wishing the very best for me. But, as I am out in the world meeting new people it is hard to know if, when, how to share with someone that I used to be fat. And how much do you share? It's complicated and intricate and intimate. It's not that I want to hide it, it's that for every new person I meet I have to feel it out and determine what is right and what isn't to share and when. With some people it's almost immediately that they find out and I let them ask the questions to determine how much I share while others it's just better to hold out and maybe never share because they really won't be around long enough to care. To avoid beating around the bush... in being out and meeting guys this is the hardest situation to know when to share this aspect of my life. Clearly it's not an opening line! Guys don't really want to know that you used to be the fat girl. So, for the most part I talk around it. Talk a lot about fitness, working out, eating healthy, etc. but, I think I've only ever told two that I've lost 85lbs. 

So, I'm still trying to figure this one out. Like I said, I don't want to hide the fact that I used to be fat, I just don't want it to be what defines me. 

I Used To Be Fat... but I am still beautiful.

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I know I haven't blogged in forever. It's crazy because so much has been going on and I have had so much to share but so little time to then sit down and actually share it. Also, I have to filter myself... this is the interweb for all to see. I wanted to share this with you because for those of you that are friends with me on facebook and see the fun pictures posted of me out trying to live a full life, you might think that I've lost this weight and now I'm living the charmed life. But, the truth is there is always a new hurdle. I have been dealing with the issues I listed above as well as others.

Been missing my friends from college like WHOA!!! Had a little breakdown a couple weeks ago. It is extremely hard being away from all of my friends who I want to be living life with and sharing all of these moments with.

I have begun the search for a new church here in KC. I have loved Harmony and it's pastors but at the end of the day I need friends... a support system of fellow believers my age and I just don't have that there. Tried my first one this past Sunday and it was... TERRIBLE! So, the search continues.

I spend about 10 hours a week driving to and from work... this sucks! Wish so badly I could move out on my own and be closer to work and downtown KC but I have to make a bigger dent on these lovely student loans... joy. 

I have been stuck at this horrible plateau for about 2+ months!! It's horrid. My trainer and I have tried what seems like everything and that stupid number just won't go down. I'm hovering. It is driving me crazy! I know that as long as I stick with it eventually it will come off but right now... I feel like I could go crazy. And here's why. It's not about the number but for some stupid reason when I hit a plateau it becomes all about the number. And I wake up on weigh-in day and have stupid thoughts like.. "maybe I shouldn't eat today..." - oh really? yeah, that's dumb... and by the way never happens... it's just a stupid thought that I crush and move on but I hate even having that thought. Last friday I went to the doctor to have my thyroid tested so we can rule that out and I started an Herbal cleanse yesterday so, we shall see what happens. 

So anywho, before I unload too much on you... know this - I am so very blessed and I know that with Christ I can and will achieve all He has planned for my life. But, He never promised the journey would be easy. But, I'm here. Showing up everyday ready to fight.