The Ugly Truth

The ugly truth is that two years and 90 lbs later I still have plenty of evidence of being a former fat girl. Unfortunately for me, this evidence manifests itself in the form of skin... extra skin that is. Like a woman who has had a baby, twins really, and now the baby is out but her skin has been stretched and doesn't want to go back. I don't have a literal baby to show for my stretch marks and sad stomach, but a new life has emerged from the depths of my soul. A rebirth, I suppose of myself, into the person I was always destined to be. And all that has been great, but really the whole skin thing SUCKS.

Now, before I get all real with you, let me say that I have contemplated sharing this on my blog for awhile now but have been nervous to do so. Mainly because I don't want this to be all people think about when they see me. There are things that can be hidden with clothes and other people don't pick up on until you point it out to them. So, here I am pointing out my biggest insecurity. Why? Because it's my truth and because I think people should know that it's not all rainbows and butterflies and every step of this journey has not been pretty.

Last night I had to stop at Target on the way home from the gym to pick up a couple things and right there in the front were bathing suits. There was this to-die-for orange bikini with fringe on the top. I don't know why, but I just thought it was super cute. And that's when I knew I was going to share the ugly truth. Even though I have worked my butt off and pushed myself to do things I had only dreamed of before, I feel my body betrays me. Even with all the muscle I have built up and losing the weight slowly, I still have loose skin. I don't get to wear that bikini and to be blunt, it pisses me off!

This may be all vain but for me it's the fact that my body does not show all the hard work I have put into not just losing the fat, but also building up my muscle. I'm proud and excited about what I have built but much is hidden by the loose skin. It's frustrating. It's disappointing. It's embarrassing. It sucks to be moving around in a class like Zumba and see my underarms flapping. Or one time I wore a loose T-shirt and shorts to Bootcamp instead of a more fitted workout top and bottom and I could literally feel my skin pulling on my stomach when I jogged in place... really?! How is that fair?!

So, I'm a former fat girl with some saggy arms, chest, and stomach. It doesn't define me or cancel out all I've done, but it does TOTALLY suck! I'm self conscious about it for sure and do my best to hide it. Time will tell what will tighten up on its own and what won't.

I have considered surgery and it's something that I don't take lightly. It's not really something I can afford to do now, but I do have a lot of questions about it. With that being said, I have an appointment for a consultation with a doctor that a dear friend recommended who is going through a similar journey as mine. I just want to "take the car to the shop" and get an "estimate." Ask my burning questions and get an idea of what I'm really dealing with.

So, there's my ugly truth. No pictures cuz I really don't want something like that permanently on the inter-web. I'm sure you get the idea. But... In better news, I think my butt is looking FABULOUS, if I do say so myself. Thank you, squats, lunges, and running.


And I leave you with this photo. For you, but really for myself. I have to stop comparing myself to others. We all have a different journey with different results. I may really want toned arms, chest, and stomach, but the fact that I don't doesn't make me any less of a badass (excuse my french).